home

Another fight. Just another one, but I'm always devastated after. Just wanna go to bed and not come out for days.

As always, we manage to get back to a conversation after a fight. After a couple of hours, we came out for a walk and drink a cup of coffee.

This place is beautiful, as well as the furniture and the dishes, it is all very charming and fashionable. But the coffee tastes so so bad! Arghh!!

My eyes are still burning. I think to myself that I just want to be alone, in silence, for a couple of hours. But… Do I?!

Don't wanna go to work. A very common feeling lately. There was a time when that wasn’t such a sacrifice.

Why!? When I find any resistance in life, why do I not stop and wait? Why do I not ask “what is this teaching me”, before exploding my rage with the world chaos?

From my deep despair of this morning, I asked “what is the point of this earthly life? In such a distorted world? Full of material things that we desire and keep attached to?” My childish mind screamed. All because of the house we are trying to buy. A wonderful opportunity to train my mindfulness skills and I was waisting it with shouts and nonsense phrases!

My mind, my little ego is so strong that sometimes it takes over me entirely. I'm so tired of this fight. Maybe I'm not able to keep with it any longer. Perhaps I am exhausted from trying to go against a mind that has been sovereign for 30 years.

Today I'm tired of the words of love and compassion to myself when I have this living creature inside of me repeating the same shadows, anguishes, beliefs, and attachments for so long. The authentic child remains hidden most of the time and I miss her so badly.

…

Back home.

Gratefully, I encounter the moon on my way back. It allowed me to feel again the light of being alive. I was suddenly filled with intense happiness and desire to embrace the arms of my beloved one. The one that is my shelter, that allows me the freedom to fly without losing nest.

Today the mind won. Defeated me so roughly that remained satisfied for hours. It only came back now, by the end of the day. Felt sufficiently brave again to start dropping ideas and things and goals that I could pursue to its pleasure.

But I don't listen. Not today. I'm happy, but I'm still tired. I don't wanna hear the same speech “do this thing and then the other, and after you can start creating that… oh but wait! You cannot do any of that. You are so weak, so insignificant! Let's just dream together. That's how we do it, isn't it?!”

This endless looping of the mind, consuming my soul and drowning my spirit to an exasperating existential emptiness.

I can't bear it anymore, I'm sick of you!

I will remain here.

There is no other place or time where I'd rather be. This is my truth. Here and now.

My home.