non-self finds bulimia
A few years ago, I read in a book, “The sufferers of bulimia will often make themselves vomit so they can continue eating. Their mind is hungry, not their body.”*
At that time when I read that book, I have already recognized I had a problem, I had already talked about it with a few close friends and I even had already started therapy. However, I was still incapable to understand what that phrase meant fully.
When I was a kid, my mother used to choose the clothes for me and she always did my hair in the morning. Sometimes I liked it, sometimes I didn’t like it that much. I used to complain about a lot of stuff, but the voice of a child didn’t have much power those days. “One day when you are a mother you’ll know better”! Well, true to be said, that day hasn’t come yet!
As I was growing, I started to feel the need to express myself through my body, through my clothes and my choices. But, suddenly, adolescence came and my human brain initiated a nonstop full time run to attain a place in society where I could be accepted, loved, and appreciated by family, friends, boys, and people in general. Before I even noticed, I had already forgotten who I was.
In that marathon, what did I retain? That I should be taller, smarter, skinnier, stronger, mysterious, but not too much; that I should look proud of myself, even though I had difficulty looking naked in the mirror; that I should look confident when most of the time I was afraid to be a joke. I stopped to freely discover my body, to start showing it with shame. I ceased exploring some of my true passions (like creating stories, reading fantasy, getting curious about subjects like paganism or witchery, talking about philosophy or freewriting), to follow the herd and try to fit in.
How did it all begin? Well, sure it wasn't a one-week process, but I had some help from master teachers like TV, fashion culture, movies, magazines, advertisements, and so on. Moreover, like me, some of my close friends and family members grew in this era of showing off, superficiality, and perfectionism. The influence between peers was very common.
In my twenties, I was in college, and by that time I was totally identified with the projections that my brain created of who I was. I heard the voices in my head talking as if they were all that I knew of myself. I was the body that I didn’t love. I was the one that would never be sufficient to meet the expectations of others. I saw myself walking with the heaviness of the past, carrying the guilt and sorrow for the mistakes I made, and dreaming about the possibility of a future that could be lived more lightly, but tormented by the fear of dying before. I was lost and I had no idea of who I was at that moment. I didn’t even have a clue of what it was like to BE in the present moment.
It became a lot easier to victimize myself and learn how to operate from a place of low self-worth without anyone noticing it. I wasn’t able to recognize that I was hiding myself under layers and layers of Ego.
So yeah, bulimia came like an easy way out, after a prolonged time under a restrictive absurd diet. It didn’t appear by the need for eating but by the unconscious tiredness of living in a maze and trying to play so many roles. It didn’t reveal itself as a solution, not at all, but for some time it provided me an encounter with a disgusting and repulsive part of me that at least felt real. All the times I used to fill my body with food followed by vomiting I allowed myself to be authentic, I was in control of my life at last, even if in a very distorted and unhealthy way.
Long story short, with years passing, the escaping game became a real problem for my health, for my pocket and transformed itself in more a kind of distraction, putting me even more unaware of my true being. Like alcohol abuse, where I also went quite a few times. All the psychological blocks, all the emotional and mental issues operating beneath didn’t magically dissolve and soon started to pop up again in the form of deep fears, relationship insecurities, frustration, procrastination, and a really false sense of worth. The representation of an everyday mask was killing me and I felt lost most of the time.
I cannot precise perfectly when the switch from being comfortable with this dynamic to be desperate to get out of it occurred but after more or less three years working as a nurse my perspective on human existence had started to change a little bit. Facing suffering, fragility, body transformations, faith, despair, madness, and death can make all your inner voices organize profound lectures in your mind about an all bunch of topics that you never thought about before. That sure was a huge trigger.
Then, some universal force (or magic as I used to call things that I was not prepared to understand yet) brought to my path two incredible human beings that allowed me to open the doors to my true self. With their support, I started therapy almost seven years ago.
Then I stopped, then I started again.
Yeh, it’s not a piece of cake! The first years were torturous and I was so resistant that I missed a lot of sessions. It was like a deep dive in my own obscurity over and over again, facing repeatedly my so many faces.
Slowly I began a spiny process of inner rediscovery and an even harder process of self-accepting. With time I became more and more familiar with my vulnerabilities and learned how to be more conscious about my actions.
Some things that have been helping me, apart from therapy (that I believe it’s essential) are reading more books, no TV watching, and moderate social media (this includes limited time and filter the people to follow). I also found it very useful to learn more about the human mind and behavior. Lately, I’ve also been seeking more connection with nature.
Trying new experiences, getting out of my comfort zone lead me to practice meditation, yoga, and journaling. The power of being in the now, the freedom of not knowing (who am I) gave me mental space to experience life in every moment.
It’s not been a straight and calm process, sometimes you go forward, sometimes you fall backward. Only in the last few months, I became able to start loving myself and no, this doesn’t mean it is ended. This is a life-long pathway of growth and transformation. I still get lost, just not as much as before.
It took me a while but now I know I can keep feeding my mind along with my body and I see how wonderful it is the journey of every single day.
And you, who are you?
Rita Lemos
“When you let go of the belief that you should or need to know who you are, what happens to confusion? Suddenly it is gone. When you fully accept that you don’t know, you actually enter a state of peace and clarity that is closer to who you truly are than thought could ever be. Defining yourself trough thought is limiting yourself. ”*
* The quotes are from the book “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle