I'm not a nurse

I wish to share some reflections on how I live my job as a nurse.

Why nursing? I used to have a nice and ready answer to that, an answer that I thought people would like to hear! But that doesn't concern me much anymore.

When I chose to become a nurse, I did it because it felt safe. It appeared to be a safe option, pleasant to my parents, well accepted by society, and with a subtle glow of heroism that gave me a special sense of power. Something like a doctor, but that required less time and effort regarding studies.

If there was one thing that I've always been sure of, was that I would never become just a career.

I never felt this was my purpose. To be honest, I didn't even know the meaning of “purpose” till the word became more popular on social media these last few years.

Anyway, I chose with my head. By that time I wasn't able to choose with my heart. With the resources I had, It was probably a wise decision.

On the other hand, and I was totally unaware of that, I was in desperate need to expand my perspectives, to push myself out of the box. I was struggling to shine but hidden inside a cave, with no idea of how to tear the rope around my wrists.

Although I saw myself as a social and popular teen, I used to suffer a lot at any social gathering, either with friends or family. I didn't understand why I felt so vulnerable and It sucked! I grew up learning to be a people pleaser, adapting my behavior to seek validation, attention, and appreciation from others. I repeatedly fell on judgemental self-criticism, every time I failed my expectations or disappointed someone else's.

Only now I'm able to see how this dynamic was a form of manipulation that I unconsciously used to stay in control.

Since I remember, the most comfortable space was when I was on my own, alone in my room or my granma's attic.

Well, choosing to become a nurse, was like deliberately putting myself in the mouth of the wolves. Working directly with other people, surrounded by more people, most probably in a stressed environment, with suffering and disease all around. Of course, I had no idea of what was expecting me but the feeling of personal challenge pushed me further.

I can tell you, I got into some really scary and dark moments, not only when I began but along the past ten years.

I cannot say I'm glad I have chosen this path because I never identified my whole self with the profession (that's why, for me, feels so wrong whenever I say “I'm a nurse”). I also believe my path is changing every day a little bit. But I’m certainly glad this made part of my living experience.

I had the opportunity to live very special moments, where I was able to recognize the true beauty of humankind, and also had other moments that I'm not so proud of.

All I can say is that these ten years of nursing rendered profound transformations in my heart, the way I perceive people, life, and death, and also the way I see myself.

In others, I learned to understand my own fears, flaws, and desires.

For a while, I thought I was a little addicted to this constant opportunity to watch and observe human behavior. What I didn't notice was that most of the time, while mirroring myself, I felt the same childish despair of losing control.

Well, when the external pain, so many times felt like my own, becomes a burden too big to bear I get burned out. The voyeuristic activity is no longer pleasurable and I just want to run away.

Wanted to run away so many times.

Slowly, my journey outside this job has been allowing me to seek more understanding within, and not so much on the outside.

And with that, I finally began to appreciate the most wonderful part of working as a nurse. The magical power of being present with each other, naked from ego, with full acceptance of whatever might be the truth of the moment. The realization that each situation is nothing more than what it is.

In fact, I don't need to be a nurse to do this. In the present, I create a space where I don't even need to be me!

I just need to be presence.

Am I always in that vibration? Heck no! I'm not even sure if I want that. I appreciate life very much, with the mind, and the pain body, and every interaction they provide. But yes, it is much safer to know were to go when I'm lost.

And what about you? How much identified are you with your job? What's your mission? What do you most struggle with? Can you find gratitude in everyday life?

Would like to know more about ego and presence?